North Korea: So Angry They'll Nuke Themselves
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North Korea So Angry They Vow To Nuke Themselves!
Brought to you by Atomic Bomb Kimchee
A strange turn of events today;
In a fit of rage North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has ordered his military
to aim their nuclear weapons at themselves.
Jong-il, who is widely thought to be a quite a belligerent son of a bitch by
most other countries, and
a real 'devil without a clue'; this most recent
episode does much to prove them right.
The dictator, whose erratic
behaviors have continuously provoked nations much larger and more powerful
then his, puzzling even the most seasoned of crack-pot analysts,
has now gone stark raving lunatic.
His incessant threats of
military attack have long instilled fear into his neighbors, but in an
unexpected twist of strategy he's now turned that threat inwards. His
country is his hostage, and he threatens to blow it to smithereens if his
demands aren't met.
Kim Jong il's prized cartoon arsenal
South Koreans, absolutely tired of his nonsense, have officially
approved of this latest action.
South Korean President Lee Myung Bak
describes the situation as this:
"Kim Jong Il just like mean loud-mouth
fat man come to your all you can eat buffet,
he stay there six hour, only
eat meat, no eat vegetable, kill other customers; Time to GO NOW!"
Kim Jong-il has often said in the past that he would not take shit from any
This has led many top western think tanks to conclude
that he is obviously full of it.
And this time, he apparently is.
A still traumatized and very recent North Korean escapee named
Dong Hung-din had this to say:
"Glorious leader very very upset! No one
see him this mad since starving villagers piss in his Kimchee!
everybody in entire country caned with bamboo for that! Somebody gonna pay
So what is it that's made the world's most infamous
This unprecedented action was supposedly taken
in response to the United States
and South Korea's holding of military maneuvers in the ocean off disputed
North Korean territory. That in itself however was not the main reason for
this brash move, moreover, the event is said by North Korean
insiders to have instead been fueled by the South Korean president's
of a photo showing Kim Jong il's flaccid, wrinkled,
shriveled and spotty naked body sitting on a padded luxury toilet.
"Glorious Leader" craps out
Kim Jong il's Revenge
"I KILL EVERYBODY YOU ASSHOLES!
I blow whole country off map I so angry!
Fuck all you round eye, you too South Korea!!" screamed Kim Jong-il
defiantly in a televised UN conference with NATO representatives.
After seeing the photo and laughing uncontrollably, many government
officials are convinced he'll do it, including this North Korean one:
"Glorious Leader Kim Jong-il always been out of fucking mind, he just
like to blow shit up."
said North Korean Chief Minister of Starvation
Suk yung Pu, who asked to remain anonymous mainly due
to the implications
of his name, which really doesn't matter since he's about to be blown to
little hungry radioactive bits anyway.
I so ANGRY!!
The fact that it'll be his own countrymen he's killing doesn't seem to mean
a thing to Kim Jong-il,
who has a long history of giving a damn less
about them in the first place.
In a short speech broadcast to the
world today but not shown on Korean Central TV Kim Jong il
stern ultimatum and explanation for his actions
"Take one step
towards my country, I'll kill us all- No kidding! In People's Democratic
Republic of Korea, all people must worship my image, how I going to keep
face when people
see me naked on crapper?? I not even supposed to shit!
North Korea people all shit in hole on cold ground
then must pay heavy
fine for it, how I explain whistling doody on heated padded toilet seat???
How I supposed to run a proper totalitarian dictatorship like that?
your Capitalist Dog provocations North Korea must PAY! You have 72 hour!!"
Kim Jong il demonstrates nuclear
destruction as art via mass gymnastics and mosaic cards
NATO spokesman general Gen. Mike Awk summarizes it this way,
when countries war they attack each other, not themselves
This is a new
tactic we've not seen before, but this is North Korea
talking about here; with him having nukes what are we supposed to do?"
Truth be known, nobody really knows what to do,
Kim Jong il wasn't exactly clear what he wants.
What he was clear on is
that in 72 hours he's going to immolate his entire nation if he doesn't get
Given this despot's history, we await the demand of aid in
exchange for his pledge
not to blow something up, with the something in
this case being himself.
Diplomats and Heads of State were taken totally
off-guard by this approach as well,
but they've got a good idea about
what to do next, which is to leave it up to the
South Koreans, who are
eagerly willing to see if the issue resolve itself in a couple days
the hawkish South Korean president Lee Myung Bak, who is poised for an
all out offensive
"awww, Kim Jong il really ill now! He think that funny?
Next I release video we have of him dressed in tutu singing 'Good Ship
So, what do we do? Only time will tell.
Whatever we do we'd better do it quickly before the country with
no street lights becomes the country that glows in the dark.
a satellite I ride, nothing down below can hide"
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