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If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one
you should read this.

'He tells it like it is'

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5
feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in
the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at
one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM
BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in
between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses
from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad
always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it,
until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please
die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my
own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking
of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple
check before I mow!


Rob B.
<img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/lmao.gif" alt="Lmao" title="lmao" />
That was pretty good.
That is too funny!

once long ago I was visiting my old friend John up in WV
We took a walk around his Dad's farm, heading towards their spring to clean the sediment from the settlement tank.
So we're walking along the fence line and I notice the extra wiring and little glass insulators along the posts.
Not so unusual, since they raised Brahmas.

I say "Hey John, is that electric fence on?"

He says "naah, not since Dad forgot to turn it off before he went to mending the fence after a tree fell on it, besides, the cows already know not to mess with it from experience"

Not wanting to laugh first and ask questions later, I asked first
"Did it hurt him?"
'Knocked his dick right in the dirt, said it felt like he shit a lightning bolt" said John with a big smile, so of course I got a hearty laugh going out of that one, imagining big rough and tumble Ira having his dick knocked in the dirt, pubes a-smokin and lightning shooting out his ass.

We came to the corner of the fence, on the other side was the hillside the spring was dug into, so it looked like we were going to have to climb over to get there.

I pause-
"John, you sure that fence is off??"
"Hell yeah it's off. I have to climb over and clean the tanks about every other week, it's been off for over a year.
Why, you scared of a little wiring?"
"No, but I'm sure scared of what comes through it"

So, John, being a bit of a bad ass says
"Dare me to grab hold of it?"
"No man, that could kill you, and I don't want to have to be the one to have to
tote your toasted ass all the way back to your house and face Ira."

So we're standing there looking at the fence, John getting impatient with me because I'll be damned if I'd touch it without knowing positively that it's off, which would have involved walking about a quarter mile back to the barn and checking.
John says
"Bet you five bucks I can piss on it, and YOU have clean the tank if nothing happens"

I'm thinking it'll be worth five bucks and two sediment tank cleanings to see that, and in my devious young mind I'm thinking I'll get my five dollars worth anyway, because if nothing happened I was going to push him over while he's in the middle of the act, and every man knows, you can't just stop once you start.

So John walks over to the fence, whips it out, and starts whizzing on the post
Nothing happens till he aims a little higher and hits one of the wires...

I'm telling you, I heard something like a sizzling pop, and I swear John did a flat-footed gainer, landing on his back with his dork hanging out, pissing all over himself. The look on his face was utter horror

Turned out that John's uncle had turned the fence on that morning because he'd just got a new bull and didn't want it and Ira's bulls to be fighting over the ladies.

This was no doubt one of the funniest things I ever saw,
I let him keep his five bucks.

I guess the moral of this story is never piss on something a 2000 lb bull is scared of.
It does take all kinds huh.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Subject: Fwd: Fwd: Darwin
ATTENTION ONE AND ALL! - And once again, it's time for the Darwin Awards
> And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. "The Darwins " are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.
> Here is the official 2009 list. Notice the interesting spin for this year's first place award which comes to us - from of all places, Arkansas . How surprising is that?
> This years nominees are:
> Nominee No. 1: ( San Jose Mercury News):
> An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
> Nominee No. 2: ( Kalamazoo Gazette):
> James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , Michigan was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped around the drive shaft.
> Nominee No.. 3: ( Hickory Daily Record):
> Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , North Carolina . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
> Nominee No. 4: (UPI, Toronto ):
> Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto DominionBank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings' windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports.
> Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" (ed note:????) members of the 200-man association.
> Nominee No. 5: (The News of the Weird):
> Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
> Nominee No. 6
> A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , Indiana . A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM.. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
> Nominee No. 7: (Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ):
> A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
> Finally, THE WINNER!!!: ( Arkansas Democrat Gazette):
> Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip.
> On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering- wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .
> After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struckPoole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his n**s off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis.
> "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
> Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!!
> Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool!
I was thinking about this 'true story' as I was weed whacking for a few hours the other day. What happens if you whack a wire?
Quote:I was thinking about this 'true story' as I was weed whacking for a few hours the other day. What happens if you whack a wire?

The line in the trimmers is plastic so it won't conduct electricity. However if you cut the wire you don't want it swinging around and hitting you or you will be zapped (if it is the side still powered up).

I remember getting zapped by an electric horse fence when I was a kid. Smarted pretty good, but not life-threatening.
Quote:[quote author="the gardener"]I was thinking about this 'true story' as I was weed whacking for a few hours the other day. What happens if you whack a wire?

The line in the trimmers is plastic so it won't conduct electricity. However if you cut the wire you don't want it swinging around and hitting you or you will be zapped (if it is the side still powered up).

I remember getting zapped by an electric horse fence when I was a kid. Smarted pretty good, but not life-threatening.[/quote]

Same happened to me, except it didnt hurt, for whatever reason.