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Hamster Slaves of
the Evil Energy Empire
While the rest of the world goes about its regular
business of being choked, poisoned slowly, and drained of all its resources
by the evil energy and oil companies, scientists have been busy trying to
save us all by developing a novel new way to power our small personal
Be they the annoyingly omniscient slave monitor
and tracking systems we pay to carry around with us (better known as
cell phones) the I-whatevers, various nefarious implants, or simply
innate desire to have led headlights, clothing fringes, and other personally
enhancing body lighting (so perchance we may be the badassologist of
relatively any given rave, party,
or family get together) these devices
require power, especially lasers
Badder than a Glowing Jellyfish Monkey
and yes, there is such a thing!
We all know that the power
for these myriad addictively hypnotic devices is supplied by a literal evil
empire full of dark lords bent on our captivity and destruction,
nevertheless, we just can't seem to live without them. This need threatens
to further enthrall us all, so the apparent question we're faced with here
is this: How do we satisfy our obsessive need for personal cyborgism without
allowing this evil empire to gain yet more control of our lives?
The revolutionary new flexible biomechanical energy scavenging Piezoelectric
This ingenious little
device was developed by Georgia Tech researchers, who discovered that
mechanical energy could be harvested by inserting tiny power generating
nanowires into a flexible surface. Simply put: the power is generated by the
flexing of the material.
Although this ultra
advanced technology is still only in its infancy, Dr. Zhong Lin (ZL) Wang
has so far developed it all the way from a barely present yet provably
piezoelectric effect on nanoscale nanowires to a working
flexible generator that can
produce enough power to run small devices while
being driven by... a HAMSTER.
Yes, I said hamster.
That the device at present
apparently works was proven when the brilliant Dr. Wang installed one of
them onto one of our cute little furry friends, put it on a wheel, and
At present, not much power
is produced in this manner, but Dr. Wang seems certain that advances in
materials and device efficiency will soon boost power production enough to
make this form of biomechanical power feasible. We can almost hear the
greedy energy mongers salivate as they lie awake dreaming of row after row
of hamster wheel driven generators stretching off into
infinity. But let's
not give them credit for being that easily
satiated, there's surely more to
this than the simple desire to exploit hamster power.
Turns out that there
may just be.
Enter the 'Long Hamster'
We will soon be able to
'stick it to the man' by literally sticking it in ourselves.
As Dr. Wang and his hamster
illuminated researchers devotedly look for a way to power all the
entertaining gadgets and doo-dads your little heart desires without
involving the inevitably hamster enslaving evil energy empire, bigger and
better things are coming in the future based on their ideas. One they are
working on is a jacket sized man powered version, and they anticipate power
producing clothes and undergarments to naturally develop further. They are
also working on power producing implants, thus granting us humans the
ability of giving 'shake that ass' a whole new electrifying meaning. Via
power producing implants inserted into breasts, ass cheeks, knees, elbows-
any moving part- the possibilities of human power production are nearly
endless. The plastic fashion, vapid intelligence and body consciousness of
this present age of
celebrity sycophancy practically ensures it. Besides,
what's more awesome than power
tits to charge your tablet and smart phone, or an actual
butt plug? (not that kind you pervs)
not certain if Dr. Wang or his fellows realize this or not, but he is
talking about developing a potent new source of power directly within
smelling distance of the most evil industrial empire in all of known
history. This cabal wants to keep its boots on our necks, its grasp on our lives,
its hands in our pockets- then
kill us; and you can bet your sweet ass they aren't willingly going to allow anyone to stick anything
to them anywhere in any way they don’t want it stuck.
Whatever future we imagine
for us, you can veritably rest assured their idea of it based on this new
technology looks far less like
glorious-glowing-electric-cyborg-jellyfish-monkey-man-complete with power
outputs, and a little something more like either a scene out of The Matrix or
yet worse, this:
So get ready to climb your
fat asses on that wheel Mr and Ms Long Hamster, you will
soon be a human
battery for the most evil empire yet. It is after all your destiny.
Consider that as you obliviously whiz down the
highway, texting away.
a satellite I ride, nothing down below can hide"
Keith Laney Productions™ ©
All custom imagery use
restricted without permission. All rights reserved
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