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Hamster Slaves of the Evil Energy Empire

While the rest of the world goes about its regular business of being choked, poisoned slowly, and drained of all its resources by the evil energy and oil companies, scientists have been busy trying to save us all by developing a novel new way to power our small personal electronic devices.

Be they the annoyingly omniscient slave monitor and tracking systems we pay to carry around with us (better known as cell phones) the I-whatevers, various nefarious implants, or simply
the innate desire to have led headlights, clothing fringes, and other personally enhancing body lighting (so perchance we may be the badassologist of relatively any given rave, party,
or family get together) these devices require power, especially lasers

Badder than a Glowing Jellyfish Monkey and yes, there is such a thing!

We all know that the power for these myriad addictively hypnotic devices is supplied by a literal evil empire full of dark lords bent on our captivity and destruction, nevertheless, we just can't seem to live without them. This need threatens to further enthrall us all, so the apparent question we're faced with here is this: How do we satisfy our obsessive need for personal cyborgism without allowing this evil empire to gain yet more control of our lives?


The revolutionary new flexible biomechanical energy scavenging Piezoelectric Nanogenerator!

This ingenious little device was developed by Georgia Tech researchers, who discovered that mechanical energy could be harvested by inserting tiny power generating nanowires into a flexible surface. Simply put: the power is generated by the flexing of the material.

Although this ultra advanced technology is still only in its infancy, Dr. Zhong Lin (ZL) Wang
has so far developed it all the way from a barely present yet provably demonstrated
piezoelectric effect on nanoscale nanowires to a working flexible generator that can
produce enough power to run small devices while being driven by... a HAMSTER.

Yes, I said hamster.

That the device at present apparently works was proven when the brilliant Dr. Wang installed one of them onto one of our cute little furry friends, put it on a wheel, and generated power.

At present, not much power is produced in this manner, but Dr. Wang seems certain that advances in materials and device efficiency will soon boost power production enough to
make this form of biomechanical power feasible. We can almost hear the greedy energy mongers salivate as they lie awake dreaming of row after row of hamster wheel driven generators  stretching off into infinity. But let's not give them credit for being that easily
satiated, there's surely more to this than the simple desire to exploit hamster power.
Turns out that there may just be.

Enter the 'Long Hamster'

We will soon be able to 'stick it to the man' by literally sticking it in ourselves.

As Dr. Wang and his hamster illuminated researchers devotedly look for a way to power all the entertaining gadgets and doo-dads your little heart desires without involving the inevitably hamster enslaving evil energy empire, bigger and better things are coming in the future based on their ideas. One they are working on is a jacket sized man powered version, and they anticipate power producing clothes and undergarments to naturally develop further. They are also working on power producing implants, thus granting us humans the ability of giving 'shake that ass' a whole new electrifying meaning. Via power producing implants inserted into breasts, ass cheeks, knees, elbows- any moving part- the possibilities of human power production are nearly endless. The plastic fashion, vapid intelligence and body consciousness of this present age of
celebrity sycophancy practically ensures it. Besides, what's more awesome than power
tits to charge your tablet and smart phone, or an actual butt plug? (not that kind you pervs)

Now I'm not certain if Dr. Wang or his fellows realize this or not, but he is talking about developing a potent new source of power directly within smelling distance of the most evil industrial empire in all of known history. This cabal wants to keep its boots on our necks, its grasp on our lives, its hands in our pockets- then kill us; and you can bet your sweet ass they aren't willingly going to allow anyone to stick anything to them anywhere in any way they don’t want it stuck.

Whatever future we imagine for us, you can veritably rest assured their idea of it based on this new technology looks far less like glorious-glowing-electric-cyborg-jellyfish-monkey-man-complete with power outputs, and a little something more like either a scene out of The Matrix or yet worse, this:

So get ready to climb your fat asses on that wheel Mr and Ms Long Hamster, you will
soon be a human battery for the most evil empire yet. It is after all your destiny.

Consider that as you obliviously whiz down the highway, texting away.


 "On a satellite I ride, nothing down below can hide"

Keith Laney Productions™ © 2002-2015

All custom imagery use restricted without permission. All rights reserved


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